The DOGE Helpline

Comms from Armageddon

The scene: an office in the West Wing of the White House, with a "DOGE Helpline" sign on the door. Four consumer relations specialists take phone calls.

Rep. 1 "Yes. Here's the theory. We call it libertarianism. For now, anyway. The point is to create the conditions for the survival of the fittest. That's American, right?"

Rep. 2 "We got rid of USAID and foreign aid to create an environment of desperation and hatred of Americans. Americans will show their best side in these situations."

Rep. 3 "The FDA was wrong to track food-borne illnesses. We need an honest competition among digestive tracts out there."

Rep. 4 "Consumer Protection just makes people stupid. It should be killed. Americans should be able to identify bank fraud by themselves."

Rep. 1. "Yes, we define what is natural and what is fitness."

Rep. 2. "You see, the FBI is an unnecessary government intervention. Americans are best placed to handle crime by themselves. We need to allow Americans to take part in an unfettered competition against organized crime."

Rep. 3. "We take a different view. Infectious disease is in good. It weeds out the weak and the unfit. We want measles back. And polio. Right. You're catching on. Toxicity in the environment is also good. For the same reasons. EPA will have to be scaled way back."

Rep. 4 "Of course there should be no Department of Education. That sort of government interference just gets in the way of the development of the brightest minds. Americans should be able to make themselves productive and competitive without schools."

Rep. 1 "Yes, you are correct, such a competition is rigged from the beginning, since it is organized by an oligarch who controls the government. He is fit. You are not. That is natural."

Rep. 2. "The same goes for the CIA. National security is an inappropriate concern for government. And when the CIA stops international cybercrime against Americans, that's inappropriate interference in the internet. Russian and Chinese attacks on Americans are free speech, part of nature."

Rep. 3. "That's also why we have to cut Medicaid. The government shouldn't be interfering in the natural competition between human cells and viruses, bacteria, and toxins. And Social Security just supports the unfit. That's what we mean by fraud, by the way."

Rep. 4 "We don't need the science data assembled by NOAA and other government agencies. The weather is what it is. Hurricanes happen. Carbon pollution is a natural result of the free market. And the constant droughts, fires, and floods will bring out the best in competitive Americans."

"Rep. 1. “And so yes, the point is to make the government entirely dysfunctional for the rest of you. But, right, we will keep the government functional for us. You will keep paying taxes and we will treat you as drones."

Rep. 2. "Of course the Department of Defense shouldn't be tracking weapons of mass destruction. That's just government interference in the free market of plutonium, enriched uranium, and centrifuges. Loose nukes are the natural state of being. We'll all be facing a more bracing and authentic reality without cities and with radiation."

Rep. 3 "The bodies than can survive all of this are the only ones we want around. Yes, to be sure, the likely survivors are the people who are already oligarchs today. They dream a dream of immortality. It can only be proven by the mortality of all the rest. That's natural."

Rep. 4 "Of course we lie. Lying is good. Let science and the humanities compete with other opinions in a free market of ideas. The dark enlightenment will be better than that last enlightenment. Without the knowledge. And the humanism. We'll tell you who you need to be and what you need to know."

Rep. 1 "He'll be on Mars, repeating all this. That's the theory, anyway."

This is meant as a theatrical sketch for four performers. It is not long, but then again we don't have a lot of time. This is less of a satire than one might wish.